The Gospel According to Randolph

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Smiter Of Iniquity
Posts: 32
Joined: Wed May 24, 2006 1:25 am
Location: Alberta, Canada

The Gospel According to Randolph

Post by Randolph » Fri May 26, 2006 7:16 pm

Disclaimer: This is the first in a number of thoughts I'm going to commit to the ether of the Internet. Since this is a new religion, I have the right to change my mind. Don't be surprised if I take back something I've said in the past. Here goes:

1 - In the beginning of our timeline, the Big Bang created the universe from a singularity.

2 - And the universe was without form, and all credit cards were void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. An energy source moved through its centre, the same energy that source brought the universe through its singularity in the first place.

3 - And the energy was light: so there was light. It travels at approximately 300 000 kilometres per second in a vacuum. That is faster than Eddie Murphy can shout racial slurs at white people.

4 - And the energy divided the light from the darkness.

5 - And the universe began to spin, to allow the distinction of Day and Night from the perspective of one person observing the cosmos, would an actual person be around at the time, who isn't, but there you are. And the evening and the morning were the first day. This is a metaphorical day, mind you. In actual fact this probably took a little longer than a day. Rome wasn't built in a day either, so this should give you a good indication of how long it took. Relatively speaking.

6 - And the guy writing this said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the liquid hot magma, and let it divide into corresponding spinning bits of wet rock.

7 - And lo, the firmament was made following scientific principles, and divided the liquid hot magma which was under the firmament from the liquid hot magma which was above the firmament: and it was so.

8 - And the guy writing this called the firmament space. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

9 - And the guy writing this said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.

10 - And the guy writing this (this is tedious to write all the time, so I'm going to call him "Bob") called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and Bob saw that it was good.

11 - And Bob said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.

12 - And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and Bob saw that it was good.

13 - And the evening and the morning were the third day. Remember that this is still metaphoric. The earth is around five and a half billion years old, which means it has gone around the sun 5.5 billion times. It spins 365¼ times for every year, so that means the earth has spun on its own axis approximately 2 008 875 000 000 times. This is more times than Eddie Murphy used the word "frig" in the film "Boomerang".

14 - And Bob said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:

15 - And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.

16 - And Bob made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also. Basically, Bob is an imaginary creation to help children (and the French) understand the concept of how the universe was created. Mind you, we're a bit cleverer now, so I think it's best to stop using Bob as a name. I henceforth declare that Bob has been added to the NMC list.

17 - I'm officially bored. Whoever wrote this shit obviously did not have access to satellite or cable TV. I'm going to get dinner and watch "Charmed".

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