Search found 32 matches

by Randolph
Wed Jun 14, 2006 11:12 am
Forum: The Gospel
Topic: Wednesdays
Replies: 2
Views: 10876

Wednesdays

Declaration : I hereby declare all Wednesdays to be bad days. You are hereby entitled to call people names if you're having a bad day too, as long as it falls within your right to religious freedom without infringing on others' basic human rights. In other words, you are allowed to be rude. Addendu...
by Randolph
Tue Jun 06, 2006 3:30 pm
Forum: The Gospel
Topic: Our Official Position on 666
Replies: 9
Views: 26995

No, I don't think you understand. Tom Cruise did not eat the placenta. That is why he tops the NMC list.
by Randolph
Tue Jun 06, 2006 3:14 pm
Forum: The Gospel
Topic: Our Official Position on 666
Replies: 9
Views: 26995

Our Official Position on 666

Since this is the 6th day of the 6th month of the 6th year of the 21st century (if you believe the Christian marketing machine), today would be written as 06/06/06 in shorthand. For those of you on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, you'd write it 06/06/06. The SOI has discovered the secret behin...
by Randolph
Tue Jun 06, 2006 3:09 pm
Forum: The Gospel
Topic: The Dancing Pirates of the SOI
Replies: 0
Views: 9491

The Dancing Pirates of the SOI

Some people have asked me what the deal is with dancing pirates. Well, here's the official answer:

Dancing pirates are optional.

Now stop asking me silly questions!

(If you want to buy some stuff to do with dancing pirates, go to http://www.cafepress.com/smiters/)
by Randolph
Mon May 29, 2006 11:10 am
Forum: The Gospel
Topic: Official Sabbath Day
Replies: 0
Views: 9581

Official Sabbath Day

I hereby declare the Sabbath day to be Thursday. This is because all the other days are already taken. I blame daytime television. Every Thursday, followers of the Smiters of Iniquity are hereby instructed to remember the origins of the universe by participating in daily rituals of working, eating a...
by Randolph
Mon May 29, 2006 10:05 am
Forum: Hymns
Topic: The Smiter's My Smiter
Replies: 0
Views: 9103

The Smiter's My Smiter

The Smiter's my smiter, I'll not smite. He smites me down to lie. In pastures green; He smiteth me The quiet waters by. My soul He doth resmite again; And me to walk doth smite Within the paths of smiteousness, Even for his own smite’s sake. Smiteness and mercy all my life Shall surely follow me; An...
by Randolph
Mon May 29, 2006 9:56 am
Forum: Hymns
Topic: How Great Thou Smite
Replies: 0
Views: 8876

How Great Thou Smite

O Mighty Smiter, when I in awesome wonder
Consider all the smites thy hands have smote,
I see the smites, I hear the rolling smiting,
Thy smites throughout the universe displayed! (refrain)

Then smites my soul, my Smiter of Iniquity
How great thou smite, how great thou smite!
by Randolph
Mon May 29, 2006 9:52 am
Forum: Hymns
Topic: Smite Me, Smite Me, Smite Me
Replies: 0
Views: 8764

Smite Me, Smite Me, Smite Me

Smite Me, Smite Me, Smite Me!
Smiter of Iniquity!
Early in the morning
Our song shall rise to Thee:

Smite Me, Smite Me, Smite Me!
Smiter Smighty!
Smite me in three places
Blessed trinity.

Smite Me, Smite Me, Smite Me!
All followers adore thee
Smiting down their golden crowns
Around the smiting sea
by Randolph
Fri May 26, 2006 9:44 pm
Forum: Hymns
Topic: Smite Me O Thou Smiting Smiter
Replies: 0
Views: 8701

Smite Me O Thou Smiting Smiter

Version 1: I've Been Very Bad Smite me, O thou smiting Smiter Smiter in this smiting land. I am weak, but thou art smighty; Smite me with thy smiting hand. Smiter of Iniquity, Smiter of Iniquity, Smite me till you can smite no more; Smite me till you can smite no more. Version 2: Tuesday Night Drin...
by Randolph
Fri May 26, 2006 7:16 pm
Forum: The Gospel
Topic: The Gospel According to Randolph
Replies: 0
Views: 9783

The Gospel According to Randolph

Disclaimer: This is the first in a number of thoughts I'm going to commit to the ether of the Internet. Since this is a new religion, I have the right to change my mind. Don't be surprised if I take back something I've said in the past. Here goes: 1 - In the beginning of our timeline, the Big Bang c...
by Randolph
Thu May 25, 2006 3:29 pm
Forum: The Gospel
Topic: The Gospel of Geekdom
Replies: 5
Views: 17167

http://ncane.com/2b

Noeleen is the reason I was on live television, you ignoramus!

:D
by Randolph
Thu May 25, 2006 11:19 am
Forum: The Gospel
Topic: Food Rules of the SOI
Replies: 3
Views: 12708

Damn straight ... as it were ... yes ...
by Randolph
Thu May 25, 2006 7:54 am
Forum: The Gospel
Topic: Main Objectives of the SOI
Replies: 0
Views: 9449

Main Objectives of the SOI

First Disciple Delano has outlined some objectives of the Smiters of Iniquity. 1) The world has gone wrong : Global warming, human trafficking, US double-standards on morality, and people who talk on cellphones while driving, to name just a few of the things that are wrong with this world. 2) Humani...
by Randolph
Thu May 25, 2006 7:52 am
Forum: The Gospel
Topic: Opinion on other religious conflict
Replies: 0
Views: 9497

Opinion on other religious conflict

Official viewpoint of SOI on other religious conflicts: Get over yourselves. Life is too short. You have no right to force your beliefs onto other people. You're probably overcompensating for a) a small penis (most religious wars are started and fought by men), or b) low self-esteem. In terms of a),...
by Randolph
Thu May 25, 2006 7:51 am
Forum: The Gospel
Topic: The "Not-Mostly-Carbon" List
Replies: 0
Views: 9088

The "Not-Mostly-Carbon" List

Since most other big religions have a list of banned things (including food, people and sexual preferences), I now present the NMC (Not Mostly-Carbon) List of the Smiters of Iniquity: 1) Tom Cruise 2) Robert Mugabe 3) McDonald's 4) The cast of "Backstage" 5) Pastor Fred Phelps 6) Adolf Hit...